Retirement Plan: Prison

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Pension gone?  Retirement fund stolen?  Cost of health benefits unaffordable?  Consider the retirement plan I’ve decided on for my future: Prison.

My Future Self

Radical, you say?  Unreasonable?  Mad?  Just listen to the advantages: Days spent lounging in your room with dedicated time outdoors.  Three square meals a day.  An extensive library.  Free gym membership.  And, best of all, the most comprehensive health care coverage that money (but not yours) can buy. Is this a vacation in the Bahamas, or a fiesta in the big house?  ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!  Sign me up!

First, how to qualify.  Of course the options are as numerous as the human imagination.  Choose the ignominy that is right for you!

Smile! You're set for life now!

Know someone who really sticks in your craw? Take out (Extinguish! Silence! Annihilate!) that someone.  Let’s face it, he or she is probably a public nuisance anyway (or at least a major buzz kill).  (Visualize yourself as the titular vigilante from the TV show Dexter.)  Should you have your sights set on a big fish, don’t hold back.  As a liberal, perhaps you’d like to “stare down the cross hairs” at a certain Alaskan pundit; as a dog lover, then perhaps you’d prefer to assault a particular NFL quarterback; as an honest citizen who is against stealing from schools and non-profit foundations (and pretty much everybody else), then you can always perform the ultimate swindle on everyone’s favorite Ponzi schemer.  The options are limitless!

Or, instead of going rogue, go Robin Hood!  Rob a bank or (better yet!) a Wall Street brokerage firm with the intent to “take from the rich and give to the poor.”  You’ll qualify for the retirement plan and look like a mensch!

The point is Get out there and commit a felony! Prisons are already overbooked and your bunk won’t be held forever.  Give your soul a quick shakedown and decide as soon as possible what criminal offense has your name on it!

Your New Homies

And for your effort?  A fully paid retirement in prison (ah, my mind is at ease already).  Lounging, reading, working out — all at the taxpayers’ expense!

So stop worrying and put your retirement plan into action!  Your new homies are waiting to meet you!

Full disclosure:  Not responsible for injuries encountered in qualifying for plan.  Entrance into the retirement plan available for all, excluding celebrities as they are impossible to convict.

Alcatraz -- the Ultimate Retirement Destination

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215 thoughts on “Retirement Plan: Prison”

  1. What an incredible idea!

    And since my ex is taking me to court next month in part to try to stop me from blogging (about the truth, mind you), perhaps I’ll just try to be in contempt — you know, to get my room EARLY!

    ;)

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      • Thanks so much! Yip, next month we go to court — it’s a custody issue with the blog wrapped in. Seems he and his wife are upset that I’m sharing the truth instead of just sitting back and taking it all. But I’m almost grateful, because the fact that they’re trying to take it away from me really revealed to me how important it is. From a personal and a “constitutional” perspective, free speech and all…

        And hey, they must think I’m pretty powerful if they’re afraid of my silly little words… ;)

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      • No, thank YOU! I

        I have the most incredible and involved readers, and we’re all trying to help each other as much as humanly possible through some crazy stuff. The more, the merrier!

        :)

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      • Mikalee you are not the only one going to court over your blog. Me to the people I write about in the city that I live in are not to happy with what I have to say. So the assistant to the Mayor and a former employee are suing me for one thing I wrote on the blog. That has not stopped me though I keep at it. So good luck to you and I did subscribe to your blog I hope you keep up the good work, and never stop telling the truth…

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    • So I guess the first amendment has no play in the courts?

      They are going to try to suppress your rights to freedom of the WordPress???

      spread the humor: charlywalker.wordpress.com

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  4. I’ve often contemplated the benefits people receive who are in prison. Although I will say, those who have been in there that I’ve known, are really happy when they get out!

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  7. Ugh, no way do I want to spend my retirement years eating nasty cafeteria food and being told when to go to bed and when to shower. But wait that’s what I’ll have to do at the nursing home anyway, LOL. Great post!

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  8. I have often thought that going to prison would be a great way to find time to write my book without having to worry about a job, housing or healthcare. I mean having avoid fist fights or dodge a shiv here and there can’t be that much of an issue, right? Especially in women’s prison. Right? Okay…maybe not.

    Crystal

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  9. Funny, without a doubt, but a sound statement on the insanity of the system as well. A success all around! I’m going for grand theft auto ;-) a victimless crime, a joy ride, and an excellent vacation to follow!

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  11. “Prisons are already overbooked and your bunk won’t be held forever.”

    Funny line.. funny, because it’s true!

    You are an amazing writer, I really appreciated this post.

    And that last line about celebrities being impossible to convict..
    it just made me smile. :)

    Keep writing!

    Aun Aqui

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  13. My first reaction was “Ha ha, what a great, funny post!” Then, as I was finishing it, I thought, “You know…that’s not a bad idea.” I mean, no one shivs senior citizens, it’d be pretty safe, and just about as comfortable and aesthetically pleasing as any retirement home.

    I’m starting my high crime bucket list right now…

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  14. My friend’s brother would break a store window, every time he was let out of prison. The policeman would plead with him to run away and not get ‘seen’ by him, but he would insist on getting arrested. In Prison, he was respected as a ‘book reading’ guy and outside he was a nobody. In Prison he did not have to do his own vacuuming or laundry or grocery shopping or pay bills on time or worry about remembering the date of his annual physical or flu shot.

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    • Good points. We’ve got to find ways to stop making prison so comfortable as the nation foots the bill. I’ve heard people in prison in Texas decide never to commit a crime in that state again. Maybe other states should take a lesson from Texas.

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  21. I always wanted to be a lawyer, but couldn’t afford the tuition or the time. Once I do the crime, I’ll have the time. Can’t wait for the ivy-covered bars of prison law school. Thank you John Q. Public!

    ps Congrats on being FP!

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  22. This is hilarious but soooo true! I’ve been telling my parents for years that it would probably end up being cheaper for me to just buy a house and put them and some of their friends there with a visiting nurse and personal chef than bothering with a nursing home. It’s not as free as the prison system but definitely discounted.

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  27. I’ve totally thought about something along these lines, like, if I were homeless I would totally commit some kind of ‘innocent’ felony! (I certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone… or maybe…)

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  28. I loved this post..thank you so much for giving us all a charming insight towards an improved retirement.I think it is hilarious.
    At the moment I am living in Bulgaria so would not fancy my chances of a happy peaceful retirement but if I ever go back to the UK. ..its a dead cert I would have a bash!

    syau happy, keep smiling

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  29. This kind of makes me wish I wasn’t in my twenties. On the bright side, I have DECADES to plan for my big welcome to The Land of Lockdown!
    Thanks for the funny, funny post!

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  30. Well, that is one option. Just make sure you do something that gets you life, cause otherwise you’ll get kicked out right when you’re quite comfortable. Think “Shawshank Redemption.”

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  31. True indeed! Great post-those of us at that “magical” age do sometimes wonder why are criminals who have wronged others by society living better than the rest of us-and on our dime?

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  33. Don’t tell my kids about this. They agreed to fund the nursing home. If they hear about this, they will plant illegal substances on me. And then I will be forced to wear orange which is a really, really bad color on me.

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  34. It’s a great ideia! And you’ll laugh at all the people outside who have hard times for any health procedure.

    Michael Moore had a similar ideia in the “Sicko” doc, he tryed to go Guantanamo. WTF, all the benefits from prison in a tropical weather.

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  35. They should introduce a new TV show called ‘Cell Swap’ – then you could exchange places with someone ‘inside’. Fab for you.

    Great idea. Sometimes those criminals get all the perks. You’d always have the latest technology too.

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  38. The only problem is dealing with the other inmates, But if you join together with out retiring people, perhaps you’ll actually be able to keep the young ones away.

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  39. What a hoot! I love your style and sense of humor. As a divorced baby boomer myself, I once wrote about dating men in prison (because the ones on the outside are slim pickin’s), but retiring there? Well, that takes the cake!

    Congratulations on being freshly pressed. I’ve found a new blog to subscribe to…

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  43. Yes, I’ve heard of this retirement plan before. It was more desirable before they privatized the prisons. Now the corporations make more if they feed you less, and if they make you work. Look up what they’ve done to the prisons. Not such a great idea anymore. I’ve heard that women over 50 become virtually “invisible” in our society, since we develop wrinkles and a few extra pounds. So, I’ve considered criminal activity as a retirement option. After all, who would suspect a 60 year old grandma of running drugs? Eh? Anyone for the over-the-hill gang?

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  44. We need a new name, though — “prison” has such a negative spin, and I don’t feel comfortable with “gated community.” Secure public housing?

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  46. After reading this post I am feeling much better about my life. I am nearly 50, broke, and living with my parents (along with my husband and teenage daughter). Yeah, that’s as low as it gets, right? So I have been stressing big-time over the fact our 401K’s and other retirement funds are completely gone… but now I have a plan and I feel much better!! Thank You!
    Besides, the depression – wait “D”epression – really needed a good laugh today!

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  47. how true is this,funny so funny…while in there I could just read all day and maybe get that degree I couldnt afford to get here…and sit back and write more book’s …bliss

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  48. I was “scared straight” on a 6th grade field trip to the local jail. Once I discovered that inmates have to do their bathroom business in full view of the jailers, I knew prison life was not for me. I think I’ll take a cue from the seniors who live on cruise ships and try life at sea for my retirement. Thanks for the laugh. :-) -Jen

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  50. I volunteered at a minimum security prison teaching the highly qualified inmates that made it to our overbooked classes.
    Two C.O.s slam you up against a wall, body search, cuff you, throw you on the floor.
    Then they ask you to pee in a cup. After scaring the living daylights.
    My student was a good guy. His cellie lied to a Corrections Officer that he took drugs. Sometimes C.O.s don’t have a lot to do, so why not?
    Enjoy prison. Either way, you’ll be peeing in cups. Practice while cuffed, just in case.

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  52. I often have thought, “should I end up homeless, I will just go out and kill someone.” Prison is just as you explained. I’ve learned to basket weave, if needed. Then, in all that pondering, I realized (with my luck) I would probably end up killing a lawyer, the judge would thank me and put me back out on the streets.

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  53. Too funny although the last sentence needs an addendum. Commit crimes against your children or commit crimes in your children’s names and you will not go to prison.

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  55. I personally have spent about 10 years in the justice system, and I might be able to clarify how things really work for you. As far as health care goes. its practically nonexistant unless you need psych meds. If you really have something wrong with you? Not so much. I had to have a tooth pulled once.( no novacaine)
    saw plenty of folks almost bleed to death and have actually seen a few people die as a reult of non-treatmentof severe injurys and health issues.
    I know there is this notion that its some cushy place anymore and not a punishment, and in some aspects and some places it is partially true, but mostly not.
    If you would like an interview, I would be happy to answer any questions you might have regarding prison. I did both state and Federal time.
    BTW I have been out for over 6 years, and am married with 3 kids. maintain fulltime employment with a legal office now and am in the Bishopric for the LDS faith. I would love to go on record with some info that alot of folks dont quite understand.

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  56. I like your plan.

    I’m planning on having a heart attack at a young age so I won’t outlive my meager savings!

    BRING ON THE BUTTER, BACON AND EGGS! I’M READY TO DIE!

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  58. “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
    - Mahatma Gandhi

    “In my country we go to prison first and then become President.”
    - Nelson Mandela

    Gr8 post

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  59. All the prison’s need is a spa, a gourmet chef and personal trainer and I am there!
    Why are they entitled to all those pleasures that we who work are denied? Something is wrong with our system.

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  60. Funny, and painfully so. Could be an attractive option if my 401k doesn’t pick up and social security goes away.

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  63. I’ll meet you there! Once all us “goodies” are in, the place won’t be nearly as bad, now will it? We can start a knitting group in the caf… and they even let convicts have dogs these days. There’s a whole TV show about it!

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  64. Oh man. You are really making me miss my non-food blog right now. There’s nothing quite like an excellent rant and I haven’t had one for a while. Thinking about food every second of the day soothes the savage beast I guess. I’m pushing the heck out of 55 so I need to get creative about my old age ;)

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  65. Nice writing, great idea too.
    We’ve moved to New Zealand where one can still get health care on “the outside”. Hmm come to think of it..the food isn’t bad either – no hormones, GMO’s or High Fructose Corn Syrup in the food supply.
    Thanks!!
    Randy

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  77. Fantastic!!! This is the best plan I’ve ever heard of. All those retirement villages cost a fortune to get into.
    I have recently turned 50 so I’ll have to wait a while otherwise even a 20 year sentence will have me out at 70 then it’s another crime & all the legal process to go through just so I can go back to my place of retirement. I guess I I could do something so disgustingly heinous that I will get one of those multiple sentences that follow on one after the other thus putting me into early retirement till the day I finally snuff it.

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  80. I think it would be plan B but nice to know there is something to fall back with the added advantage that you can ‘take out’ your worst enemy too!

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  81. Took the plunge and just joined the blog community and BAM! your blog title jumped out at me on the freshly pressed area.

    I know quite a few people who subscribe to this plan. It obviously has a lot of benefits as you noted. You forgot the free cable, a concert or two (Johnny Cash), excellent counseling and for those who are seeking divine intervention, everyone always finds God in there! Everyone is always looking for him on the outside but he’s on the inside!

    A fantastic plan indeed!

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  82. GREAT BLOGG.

    Love the Texan don’t give a damn attitude to retirement, though your idea of a prison holiday retirement home seems a bit radical.

    I thought you rednecks were more inclined to lock everyone else up that way you could have the whole range to yourself and get all the inmates to look after you :-)
    Growing old disgracefully is definately to be recommended.

    From a bald-headed coot blogging on “grumblesmiles” in the UK and still free, I send you best wishes with you future felonies.

    P.S. I have a ranching Duputy Sheriff friend In Pampa, Texas who I am sure would be happy to arrest you. Although he might have to shoot you first !

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  85. Gotta love the simplicity of this plan.

    Maybe we can get the politicians to develop a “Seniors Only” corrections facility complete with chair lifts and aquatic aerobics classes.

    -gw-

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  87. I have toyed with this idea myself, but I have serious doubts that it would actually pan out in a satisfactory manner. (The ethical issues aside.)

    Should someone actually try it, my advice would be to spend considerable time researching the right country and type of facility to be incarcerated in. The US justice system may be good for those deliberately looking to do a long sentence; however, life in prison will be so much better in many other countries.

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  88. How do you get “Freshly Pressed”?
    By the way I am 36 years old and have been collecting social security income in my name since I was 31 years old. I am a single mother. They barely give me enough money each month. I still have to collect food stamps and welfare money each month. There is a definate advantage to social security income however. It is reliable. You know that it will be there and so even though it is never really enough that reliability affords you the chance to plan ahead and buy things. In the last 4 and a half years I have bought and still have a leather love seat and sofa and a grand cherry bedroom set including a sleigh bed. I have traveled with my family (my son and his dad) to CA and TX (in one trip) to visit my son’s grandparents…with no help from my folks, except for when we missed out flight in LA, CA and my parents had to pay for our hotel room for the night. We could not very well stay at The LAX with a 3 year old over night. I live in a bike path and have a nice bicycle. My son has his own bike. There are ways to enjoy life…

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  91. Brilliant! Now we can retire early; the writing career was getting off to a slow start anyway.
    p.s. prison retirement tip 101: federal facilities are the Club Med of lockups (just ask Martha Stewart), and always ask for the kosher meal plan

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  93. This is hysterical! And not too far from what one fellow actually did. See description on IMDB of sad yet sadly funny documentary, “This is not a Robbery”: A profile of devoted family man and law-abiding senior citizen, J.L. “Red” Rountree, who became one of the country’s most notorious serial bank robbers.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1015241/

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  95. This is great! It is always nice to laugh..out loud so early in the morning. Oddly, middle pic of you as a kid looks just like my aunt Janet…like spot on I’d say.

    “Radical, you say? Unreasonable? Mad? Just listen to the advantages” I love this line!

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  96. Yes, and if you are in one of the lucky prisons you get to keep a dog in your cell to train for someone with special needs…and get this…they pay for the kibble!! I know, can you imagine?

    I’ve seen all of the episodes of Lockdown and Prison Break so it can’t be all that bad as long as you have someone “putting money on your books” so you can buy stuff at the commissary to make sure to always have plenty of beauty products like nail polish, eye liner, lip stick, etc to smear on your face whenever that special man who answered your “Jail House Babes” personal ad comes to visit you.

    You’ll need his financial backing to keep yourself stocked up on Honey Buns, Doritos, licorice, pop corn, candy bars, Pringles, gum, soda — no wonder why every girl in prison has a big butt!!

    Also you can’t forget buying stamps at the prison commissary to be able to send out those postcards saying, “Wish You Were Here”

    Fun Post

    Blessings,

    Ava
    xox

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  97. I enjoy your writing flavor. Thank you for bringing up serious issues in a loving, thought-provoking and humorous way. After minimal contemplation, I am writing to inform you that I will not be going the felony route. However, it is quite understandable how the silliness of how we handle our prison systems could provoke some to contemplate membership as a viable alternative to hunger, homelessness, substandard health care, and long-term-care. Before we all plunge headlong into being roomies in our state’s prison system, we might want to put our heads together and come up with ways to have prisoners earn their keep (a few years ago I read that it cost $35,000 annually to maintain each prisoner). And here’s a really novel idea: let’s figure out how they can be rehabilitated before being released to join us again.

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  98. I think this is a brilliantly funny post that really did make me chuckle.
    Although I know a little about what places like that are really like, this still really made me laugh so well done!

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  102. Great post! Very refreshing, although I think I would stick with the white collar crimes. Seems like those accommodations rate a bit better.
    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

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  104. I thought I was the only one that thought about this retirement plan. What’s the point in saving for retirement to live if in the event I have to pay to buy medications and healthcare. Especially if my “equipment” isn’t working anymore.

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  105. Well, in Japan this is happening. Older folks are committing crimes to get thrown in jail because they don’t get any help from their family (kids).

    Only one poster here actually pointed out that life inside is NOT a piece of cake.
    Several commented about how they believe prison life is a cake walk & why are we (US govt) making these felons’ lives so soft. Maybe they (the posters) are watching too much Fox News. (Now there’s an oxy-moron)

    It might be better to pull off your felonious crime in a country such as Denmark, Sweden, or Switzerland. They’re a little more liberal/compassionate there (or so I’m led to believe).

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  106. Loved it! My husband is involved with trying to keep (or force) accountability about employee pensions in the University of California system. I hope no administrator or regent sees your blog — no doubt they would see it as a viable alternative. Everyone else though? Should make ‘em think while they’re laughing!

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  108. Great blog..I think our system is little warped…If we are paying for these people, put ‘em to work doing something. At the very least, teach them so they can leave with a GED and a trade.

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  109. SURPRISE!!!!

    We are already living in prison! Go ask that old Greek, Plato, about Life in the Cave! We live in darkness and restriction every day.

    …just wanted to lighten up everybody’s day!

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  110. Here’s something cranky from me:

    The following phrase seen on WordPress “Freshly Pressed” every darn day : “Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!”..is so TIRED. Reminds me of Dr. Laura’s (remember that old wind-bag?) required salutation from phone-in listeners to her radio show: “I am my childrens’ Mommy.”…oh, pleeeeze!

    Can someone think of something more original, here?

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  111. Brilliant!

    Does it really mean I have to make Dutch bloke Wilders disappear? Some think he is a political headache to most people because he says and does the same as a German bloke (that we all know by filmshots by Charlie Chaplin a couple of years ago, imitating the beast) that did about the same things in 1930/1933. As Wilders does now. Oh, I wrote that already…

    OMG I don’t try THAT. I’ll check a lawyers view on this before I make plans; I really don’t dare now.

    Main question: They do serve prunes at meals, don’t they. My Osiris elderly people habitad (I’m 82) stopped serving those lately. So the option for a real prison stays open for me, che che che.

    Amsterdam, Holland, pensioned, veteran, first Carnival-night. Alaaf
    .

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  113. Be sure, if you murder someone, not to commit that crime in a capital punishment state — your retirement plan could go seriously awry, or at least be cut short, if you are put to death! Seriously, it pays to plan wisely.

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  114. Pingback: Top Posts — WordPress.com

  115. Hilarious! And people are fighting for unlimited internet access for when you get there while we speak. Your blog probably won’t suffer so much as a blip in the transition. :)

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  116. I’ve thought about this scenario before and you’re right it’s a cushy number inside it seems. Most people don’t have access to this level of care outside as free people, so as i near the age I’ll start planning a crime worthy of retirement!!

    Respect and Peace!!

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  117. So enjoyed your post and also the highly creative and humorous comments from your very talented fans. Gee, maybe you guys should all get together and make a movie or something.

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  118. i LOVE this blog. take it from me a prison nurse, who’s worked with all the “homies” This is sooo true. they get excellent medical care, with perscription renewals delivered directly to their room, (their also first on waiting lists for organ transplants courtesy of state property, they want you to do your time, oh no you wont die on the state you’ll do your time…) if you’re feeling ill and don’t feel like waiting for your scheduled appointment call “man down” and poof within seconds a gurney is there to take you in, no waiting, all without the 1,000 + ambulance bill. There is one thing to mention however, in order for you to be an excellent candidate for this plan, you must be able to: 1) enjoy the company of same sex individuals, with occasional or frequent come on’s….2) be able to defend yourself should your answer to a cat call be no, or have enough “homies” to back you up. 3) enjoy repetitive daily schedules, for years on end….and finally 4) be ok with not much contact from the outside world, including family and friends. Other than that if your set….for life……unless perhaps you consider yourself a misdemenor type, where you just might need a few months of ME time….

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  119. just make sure it’s a federal crime. something like mail fraud would be easy enough. you don’t want to be stuck in the state prison system.

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  120. So, I guess a good thing to do would be to start with an area you could spend some time in, and a place that has a good prison system. Free cable, good climate, etc. If this prison thing were your goal, seems like a win/win. Rob a bank: your money problems are solved or you get caught and take your vacation! N1

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  123. This has got to be the best blog post I have seen in a while. Such a perfect way to point out everything that is wrong in this society as well as giving us a viable option to truly have a secure future. I even hear that you get a girlfriend named “Bubba” as soon as you walk through the door. Everything you could ever want all under one roof! It really doesn’t get any better than that.

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  125. Pingback: Retirement Plan: Prison « Aging and Other Inconveniences « 1000 WAYS of celebrating the human spirit

  126. Your post really cracked me up! I have been thinking about retirement (and wishing I could) a lot lately. I’ll keep your suggestions in mind. Every gal needs a Plan B!

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  127. I was recently wanting to do a Certificate III in Financial Services here in Australia which is the entry level bookkeeping course. But because I already had a higher qualification, it was going to cost me almost $2000.

    When I searched for ways to get concessions, I noticed people who were in prison or under a court order were eligible to take it for free. Sometimes I think this is probably why jailbirds return back – to them, it’s home.

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  128. what a wonderful idea!! now I can simply stop worrying…might as well go ahead and spend all the money I’ve save too…it won’t do me a lot of good (nor will I need it) in prison~

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  129. Leave it to a woman to solve one of our biggest retirement concerns.
    Thank you.
    I know I would be good at making license plates, and I think I will hold off on those dentures for a bit more. Now for the crime…I’ll have to give that some thought.

    True story.
    Sitting in a local coffee shop with daughter who is 20. Twenty-something counter boy comes over and sits with us. He knows my daughter.
    She says, ‘what have you been up to?’
    He says,’going to school part-time, working some and of course I am in jail at night and on weekends.’
    I thought he was joking.
    Turns out he is serving a sentence for involuntary manslaughter, DUI with a friend in the car, having an accident and the friend died.
    That’s a pretty cushy set up if you asked me.

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  130. You know, that makes a lot of sense! Being 53 and going through a divorce, that might be my best option. I’ll have to give this some thought…

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  131. That puts a new spin on retirement. Just make sure you are broke so the feds don’t steal your last penny, If they havn’t already

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  132. Oh, you forgot that you need to do your research before picking a jail house retirement plan. While some would prefer a state institution, I would rather do some big time insider trading / white collar / money laundering / Federal crime. In that way I get to go to a upscale retirement home. Play tennis. Learn the ins and outs of investment banking from my homies. And mingle with a crowd that likes to smell clean and won’t shiv me because I looked at them wrong.

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  134. In New Jersey they call it “Three Hots and a Cot.” Sometimes homeless people do whatever it takes to get it. Really: Can you blame them?

    (To the person who mentioned the free medical care upthread: The “Man Down!” technique also works in overcrowded hospital emergency waiting rooms. Do a faceplant and here comes the gurney, and voila you’re at the head of the line. It’s a triage thing. I discovered this by accident – was it my miscarriage? It’s so long ago it’s a blur – and mused that I could just make a scene next time I found myself in some interminable wait. I bet acting crazy works too.)

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  136. Uuuummmmm……HELLO, America!

    PROBLEM: “Cost of health benefits unaffordable?”

    SOLUTION: Be a Canadian. We’ve had universal, single-payer (government) health care since 1966. It’s nice. Paid for by modest payroll deductions. Sick people are not treated as profit centers in Canada. We share, and look after one another.

    I read that America has some 43 million people without ANY health care at all, and millions more with substandard health care.

    From THIS side of the border, that looks barbaric!

    Yes, universal health care is expensive – and will become more expensive in the future – but nowhere near as expensive as American-style private-health-care-for-profit! And Canadians don’t get kicked out of hospital for lack of insurance.

    Canadians don’t lose their homes and end up in the poorhouse because we made the awful “mistake” of getting sick. That only happens in the Land O’ Liberty.

    …just another take on the admittedly hilarious “hard time” retirement option!

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  137. I know your “retirement blog” was not meant to be serious(or was it?) but I can only say that after having had a friend who was arrested for a speeding violation in Baltimore that your “retirement plan” was not an option for him. For whatever reason he was not allowed to make bail until his trial. He was raped and beaten by the inmates on a daily basis and ultimately he lost all hope and committed suicide. Prison should not be a country club and it isn’t for 99% of the inmates.. with a significant bunch of them spending their time terrified by extreme violence. Prison cannot be categorized, denied , and most of all …humorized.

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  138. Great idea! I used to think about committing a minor misdemeanour to get home via cop car in the wee hours of the morning after waiting two hours for a cab. (To give some perspective, it was when I was young, on my own and my hometown was rough. Not a great city to be out on your own in the early morning)

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  140. My uncle created Cape Cod Potato Chips, Chatham Village Croutons and LAte July Crackers. He was a multi-millionaire when he died in early spring of 2008. He left Late July Crackers to his wife and adult daughter and now they are putting a healthy line of gluten free…possibly organic chips out in the market. They are a family loving healthy company and they give me faith in this world. My uncle gave me faith in love and sunshine (well, as uncles do). He raised his daughter in a beautiful, healthy mansion type home on the water on the cape. I wholey disagree with you PHP. The more that people buy their products the better off this world is. They will always do good things with the money. I believe that.

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  143. .
    At Will, March 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Right you are. However: 2 or 3 jobs and Life in Plato’s cage – mean you never come in the sunny outside. Prisoners do, helicopter-safe I hope. Healthy for them, a lot of vitamines, chalkforming etc.

    An option. Educate yourself in a jail (couple of years stay, not too long anyway), it gives you a good job so you can pay for a good pension or life insurance. Years later this will make it possible to live on a cruise-liner for years and years. That’s better. Often passengers will ask you: You make al those cruises, are you related to the Captain? Don’t tell about your secret. Don’t worry be happy for the rest of your life.

    Rich people do the cruise-solution, poor people can take the prison option, only the others take the burden – who cares? PHP helps.

    At jessicaber March 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm &
    At PHP Agency March 6, 2011 at 1:02 pm
    You better make contact to understand & explain what you mean to say. Not fully using your language I think you want the same!

    Let’s joke again, la la la la la, joke again lalalala – just singing a song -

    greetz – Niek
    .

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  145. Pingback: Retirement Plan: Prison (via Aging and Other Inconveniences) | touchdownohio

  146. Pingback: Retirement Plan: Prison (via Aging and Other Inconveniences) | touchdownohio

  147. Pingback: Speaking of Prison « Pray for Lucy Jarrett

  152. When I read those posts above… not all but many… I see the following picture: All nice people are in prison and all crummies are out there – and want in – but can’t because its too full for more.
    But do you really consider jail as an option or just make fun? However, putting a picture out like this into the future (your post above) – you hopefully are dam serious about what you want!… Just think of the Law of Attraction, it’ll get you there in no time. Anyways, have fun where ever that may be!

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  153. I’ve thought many times about financing my retirement this way. Unfortunately, I’m Canadian. In Canada, It’s virtually impossible to find any crime you can commit that warrants serious jail time.

    Most judges here are content to hand out ‘house arrest’ sentences – if they don’t release you outright. That means you’re asked to stay at home for some period of time usually not more than a year – even if your crime is rape or murder. They call this ‘conditional sentencing’ although it seems like an oxymoron to me since there are no conditions attached. Nobody checks to make sure you actually do stay at home. Of course, being at home you still have to pay for your own food, clothing, health care and entertainment. They won’t even send someone around to do your laundry for you. Not even Bubba.

    As good as this idea seems, it simply won’t work in Canada.

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  155. I had this idea when I’m tiring of my job. But the fact is the prison is too packed, you really need to commit a “serious crime” for a longer sentenses. Otherwise, you will be kicked out and need to do another crime again…haha

    Nice post! And I like those pictures.

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  157. You know if enough people plan to do that, our governments might have to take another look at the pension set ups.

    I say we all plan to do that, like you say, we’ll probably eat better in jail anyway.

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  158. Pingback: Pension really needed? | Blog niek1928

  159. Pingback: War in Wisconsin (or Monday Funnies) | The Digital Immigrant

  160. This is a genius idea.

    It would have to be a ‘soft’ prison, so you’d have to balance the crime you commit against the punishment you’ll get.

    I reckon some good old fashioned corporate fraud is the way forward. No hard time and maybe you might get your own TV and meet some interesting people. Also, I think if you’re over 35 I don’t think you get bothered too much.

    (obviously, I am plucking all of this from literally nowhere; just my scant knowledge of Stir Crazy and The Shawshank Redemption…)

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  165. Too funny! Thanks for that – a great start to my day!
    Love that, “give your soul a quick shakedown.”! – no sense loosing a lot of sleep over it. Just get it done – the more heinous, the quicker you’ll find yourself not worrying about that car payment!
    joe

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  168. This was not only hilarious, but convincing. I’m not going to lie, I definitely considered it. Not that I need to think about my retirement plan at this point in my life (I’m 20). Thank you for this! It made my morning.

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  169. Liked your bit about retirement options. The idea seems attractive at first glance but would need to check a few things this end, ie p.c.use and ownership thereof, and etc. before I make definite plans. Since becoming familiar with Queensland Government Housing staff and their ‘officers’ blatant criminality, and my on-going quest for a mobile-free (cell-phone) community, which should be achievable in the pen, I’ve made retributive enemies and I’m starting to think like them. A smoke-free, quiet environment inside might well be too great an expectation.
    Ennyway, have bookmarked your site for later Ron. Love, Les.

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  173. Remember, just do enough that you end up in one of the comfortable prisons, the ones with the good meals, entertainment, tv, etc.

    Or you might want to try another route if you don’t get seasick. We have a friend who actually does this, believe it or not. Never stay on home ground, travel on one cruise ship after another. Room & board, delicious food, entertainment, just like prison and you don’t have to deal with visitors!

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  176. Pingback: I Believe the Children Are Our Future… We’re All Screwed | One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

  178. For years now I’ve been agonizing over what to do when I retire. My children simply refuse to go to uni for 8 years and become rich doctors. They also refuse to marry the rich scumbags I pick out for them. Ungrateful wretches! The heartburn and sore nipples I endured for those creeps.

    But now, I can put my mind at ease and begin planning for my future years of incarceration. Thanks Aging Gal. I really appreciate this post!

    Signed: Aging Disgracefully

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  181. I heard The LDS prophet use the word “titillating” in a sentence when he was giving a public talk for the church in the last decade. He has since deceased, but his name was Gordon B. Hinkley. He was saying to watching out for wordly sins that can be tempting because they are titillating. To me it sounded shocking to hear him use such a word. It did sound dirty to me.

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  182. Hi there, just spent a short break reading this site. I’ll be visiting again after glossing over at some of your posts. a lot to read, that’s for sure.

    Reply ↓

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